Ooooooh shit.
This rain is some fine stuff.
I'd like to start off by tipping my hat to Bryce, for telling me to take out my earbuds and open a window. He commented on the thunder and I promptly shut down Spotify and cracked my bedroom window.
I'd also like to say that this isn't quite a creative piece, but it's not a blog post either. This blog is quickly transforming into a directionless blob and I'm A O K with it.
I have to break this down into stages a bit, though in real time it hits you all at once.
1. The first wave of thunder was subtle, the second louder. There's a louder crash and I jump a bit.
2. Then the smell hits me. It smells damp. It's about to rain.
(Usually these little storms fall north of my house, and we don't actually get the rain, just the noise of the storm blowing over. But it smells like we might get some actual rainfall tonight.)
3. It's close. A breeze slips through my window, and I can feel my skin scrunching into goosebumps, the temperature dropping in my room.
4. There's a flash of light in the sky, there and gone.
5. There isn't really a way to describe anticipation, but it's similar to the way you feel when you bite into a hamburger you've been waiting for in a restaurant, so I guess that's where taste plays into this. It sounds like a stretch, but it isn't.
It starts to rain.
The rain starts slow, and speeds up, and the symphony of senses continues through the evening. There was some really close lightning a second ago. It sounded like a hundred fists rapping on a closed metal door, all packed into two seconds of sound, gone before it started.
And that's what it's like. To sit next to your bedroom window at 10:30 pm, in late April, in Eastern Iowa. You're fully aware there are other things you should be doing. But you sit anyway, and you taste and see and smell and hear and feel the storm. Only a few things really appeal to all five of your senses.
It's a light-up feeling, like you get one the love of your life walks into the same room, and you see them, feel them get closer, smell their shampoo as they slip past you, hear the melodic sound of their voice, and taste the electricity in the air between the two of you.
That's probably straight out of some song on the radio about the electricity of love hitting you like lightning or something, and it makes no sense and perfect sense.
(Yikes this is an angsty post. I don't even have a thunderstorm love right now, I just want one, I guess.)
Find someone that overwhelms you and brings you peace. Find yourself a thunderstorm love. It can be both at the same time.
Claire
April 27, 2016
April 21, 2016
Good Days
So the other day, I told my friend about a comment a boy made, and how it made me smile.
He had said "good morning, Claire." And I was happy about it.
"You're overthinking this way too much, Claire. He just said hi."
Here's a magical thought: I know. And I was happy about it. Let me enjoy this moment, let me live it up for a just a second, and smile about something simple.
I know she didn't mean to, but she sucked the joy out of that moment with a simple comment. When she said that, I promptly shut my mouth, plugged in headphones, and listened to sad Sam Smith music the rest of the class period. And then I listened to Sam Smith every passing time, and during lunch, and I was still sad about that one small moment. I let it ruin my whole day.
That was yesterday.
Today, I woke up in a huff again. Yesterday's bad mood lingered. I skipped the makeup, I didn't even put in lenses. I ALWAYS put in lenses. I put on lazy jeans and a tshirt and embraced the fact that I looked like crap. I did manage to make myself a decent breakfast, but I was running late and upset with my mom and not feeling anything good. It was going to be another mediocre day.
And then, as I'm driving, a really happy song comes on, and I turn on to 42nd street, and the sun hits me right in the chest. Everything was golden. As I drove past the Twin Pines golf course, the grass was golden, and the sun hit it just right. As I squinted into the road ahead, the pavement was tinted yellow-gold. I tried to look past the tree line, and the clouds were backed with an amazing light. And I looked at the golf course again, and glanced back behind me, and the sky was a deep, amazing purple-ish color, and the clouds from what might have been rain were receding behind me. It was beautiful in both directions. I was witnessing a battle between light and dark, and light was winning, and I was headed straight for the bright blazing sun. It was AWESOME.
Of course, then I turned into the school parking lot and got snapped back to reality a bit. I had a soggy breakfast, a lot of homework, a generally lame day. My friends were grouchy, I was tired, and everything moved in slow motion. That's the overview, I suppose. But the snap back to reality was really only partial. All day, everything I did was backed by a golden glow. That sunlight followed me all day, and even in my windowless classrooms, when I was trapped and stressed and surrounded by boring schoolwork. Through it all, I just thought back to that receding darkness and amazing sunrise and I felt like I was on cloud nine. Even physics didn't suck. I HATE physics. But circuits are fun, and the sunrise is beautiful, and heck, tomorrow is Friday. I can't be upset when it's almost the weekend.
So. What's the purpose of this? I don't know. I was celebrating all day, and I wanted to write something to celebrate that while the feeling lasts. I'm starting to worry about tomorrow because today was so grand. But tomorrow, I just have to find my next sunrise, the backdrop for everything I do that makes me happy no matter what.
Hell, tomorrow's Friday. That's a start.
Happy almost Friday,
Claire
(591)
He had said "good morning, Claire." And I was happy about it.
"You're overthinking this way too much, Claire. He just said hi."
Here's a magical thought: I know. And I was happy about it. Let me enjoy this moment, let me live it up for a just a second, and smile about something simple.
I know she didn't mean to, but she sucked the joy out of that moment with a simple comment. When she said that, I promptly shut my mouth, plugged in headphones, and listened to sad Sam Smith music the rest of the class period. And then I listened to Sam Smith every passing time, and during lunch, and I was still sad about that one small moment. I let it ruin my whole day.
That was yesterday.
Today, I woke up in a huff again. Yesterday's bad mood lingered. I skipped the makeup, I didn't even put in lenses. I ALWAYS put in lenses. I put on lazy jeans and a tshirt and embraced the fact that I looked like crap. I did manage to make myself a decent breakfast, but I was running late and upset with my mom and not feeling anything good. It was going to be another mediocre day.
And then, as I'm driving, a really happy song comes on, and I turn on to 42nd street, and the sun hits me right in the chest. Everything was golden. As I drove past the Twin Pines golf course, the grass was golden, and the sun hit it just right. As I squinted into the road ahead, the pavement was tinted yellow-gold. I tried to look past the tree line, and the clouds were backed with an amazing light. And I looked at the golf course again, and glanced back behind me, and the sky was a deep, amazing purple-ish color, and the clouds from what might have been rain were receding behind me. It was beautiful in both directions. I was witnessing a battle between light and dark, and light was winning, and I was headed straight for the bright blazing sun. It was AWESOME.
Of course, then I turned into the school parking lot and got snapped back to reality a bit. I had a soggy breakfast, a lot of homework, a generally lame day. My friends were grouchy, I was tired, and everything moved in slow motion. That's the overview, I suppose. But the snap back to reality was really only partial. All day, everything I did was backed by a golden glow. That sunlight followed me all day, and even in my windowless classrooms, when I was trapped and stressed and surrounded by boring schoolwork. Through it all, I just thought back to that receding darkness and amazing sunrise and I felt like I was on cloud nine. Even physics didn't suck. I HATE physics. But circuits are fun, and the sunrise is beautiful, and heck, tomorrow is Friday. I can't be upset when it's almost the weekend.
So. What's the purpose of this? I don't know. I was celebrating all day, and I wanted to write something to celebrate that while the feeling lasts. I'm starting to worry about tomorrow because today was so grand. But tomorrow, I just have to find my next sunrise, the backdrop for everything I do that makes me happy no matter what.
Hell, tomorrow's Friday. That's a start.
Happy almost Friday,
Claire
(591)
April 13, 2016
Google has the answers
As I'm sure many of you do as well, when I'm in a bad mood, or stressed, or tired, or struggling with a decision, I turn to the internet for answers. When I'm tired, I read buzzfeed tips to pull an all-nighter, and it motivates me to wake up. When I'm stressed, I find lists of dumb, simple ways to relax. Yoga, meditation, lighting a candle, breathing exercises. Sometimes, you find yourself overwhelmed. The internet has answers. Well, today, and quite honestly for the last few weeks, I've felt awful. Not like, sick, (WebMD, anyone?) but sad. Not depressed, at least not yet, but really down in the dumps, and not for a reason I can really put a finger on. And so I literally Googled "how to be happy" and clicked through the links.
The article that really drew my attention, despite not being the first on the search page, was an article by Real Simple. Gretchen Rubin writes about her "systematic study of happiness" and her 10 takeaways that helped her become happier in general. I went into the article thinking "if I can get just one to work for me, it's a start." And I found that most of what she had to say was simple tweaks that in the long run, would help. Nothing instant, no magic 30-second solution.
Now I'm not going to list them all here, but Gretchen has some really good ideas. The most helpful one for me was to let anger dissipate. If you talk about every little problem instead of letting them blow over, they make you more unhappy. I talk a lot, and a lot of it is complaining to my friends or family about how the universe is fighting against my every move. And it's okay to feel that way sometimes, but I could talk a bit less and breathe a bit more. Patience has always been a virtue that a lack, and that reflects in many things I do.
Anyway, now that I've shared my personal takeaway, go read the article for yourself. Gretchen is an angel and I feel better already.
Be happy!
Claire
(362)
April 6, 2016
It's OK to be on your own
Apologies in advance for the plethora of clichés that I will be using throughout this post. It is about relationships, so I suppose almost every phrase I use is a cliché to some extent. Relationship clichés are just inevitable. Don't read the post if you don't like them.
When you're in high school, and you find yourself in a relationship, it can feel like the world revolves around you and that person that you are with. All that matters at the end of the day is that you've got them by your side, or texting you good night. It feels like they'll be with you forever.
Sometimes, they will be! Sometimes, that person that becomes your lab partner in Physics really does end up being your partner for life. And that's a beautiful thing. More often, things end. And that's okay, too.
This post isn't about dating, or things lasting forever, or the illusion that they will. This is just about you. Just you.
So you broke up. You are heartbroken and for the next period of time between this relationship and the next one, you will fluctuate between feeling "forever alone" and "hell yeah I love being single." This happens. When you're feeling "forever alone," go to your support system. Your mom, dad, friends, siblings, a counselor. Even silly, teenage angst is something worth talking out and being supportive of. High school is weird and strange and difficult and getting your feelings hurt sucks. Even hurting someone else's feelings sucks. And you gotta be supportive of people going through that.
Never forget who you are as an individual. You are strong, independent, and you don't need no (wo)man. Being on your own, fresh out of relationship is difficult sometimes, but it's an opportunity to remember who you are with no intentions, no flirting, no distractions. Enjoy your own company. At least give it a few days before you start chasing another (wo)man to date. Just. Take a step back and think before you panic about dying alone. It really will all work out, and you are never alone. You've got friends and family, and you will always have yourself.
Relationships and dating and romance are about being with someone who makes you happier than you thought you could be. Someone who makes you laugh, smile, and is there for you when you are crying and upset. If the person you're with doesn't make you these things, don't settle for less than you deserve. Do not ever stay in a relationship on the basis that you might not find someone else. You have to be okay on your own.
I'll close with a cliché quote. But really, if there's one thing to take away from this, it's that relationships aren't everything and you really will be okay. Even if it's on your own for a while.
“Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.” - Janis Joplin
Don't sell yourself short.
Claire
(492)
When you're in high school, and you find yourself in a relationship, it can feel like the world revolves around you and that person that you are with. All that matters at the end of the day is that you've got them by your side, or texting you good night. It feels like they'll be with you forever.
Sometimes, they will be! Sometimes, that person that becomes your lab partner in Physics really does end up being your partner for life. And that's a beautiful thing. More often, things end. And that's okay, too.
This post isn't about dating, or things lasting forever, or the illusion that they will. This is just about you. Just you.
So you broke up. You are heartbroken and for the next period of time between this relationship and the next one, you will fluctuate between feeling "forever alone" and "hell yeah I love being single." This happens. When you're feeling "forever alone," go to your support system. Your mom, dad, friends, siblings, a counselor. Even silly, teenage angst is something worth talking out and being supportive of. High school is weird and strange and difficult and getting your feelings hurt sucks. Even hurting someone else's feelings sucks. And you gotta be supportive of people going through that.
Never forget who you are as an individual. You are strong, independent, and you don't need no (wo)man. Being on your own, fresh out of relationship is difficult sometimes, but it's an opportunity to remember who you are with no intentions, no flirting, no distractions. Enjoy your own company. At least give it a few days before you start chasing another (wo)man to date. Just. Take a step back and think before you panic about dying alone. It really will all work out, and you are never alone. You've got friends and family, and you will always have yourself.
Relationships and dating and romance are about being with someone who makes you happier than you thought you could be. Someone who makes you laugh, smile, and is there for you when you are crying and upset. If the person you're with doesn't make you these things, don't settle for less than you deserve. Do not ever stay in a relationship on the basis that you might not find someone else. You have to be okay on your own.
I'll close with a cliché quote. But really, if there's one thing to take away from this, it's that relationships aren't everything and you really will be okay. Even if it's on your own for a while.
“Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.” - Janis Joplin
Don't sell yourself short.
Claire
(492)
April 3, 2016
Compassion? Other people's problems? What the heck to do?
It never ceases to amaze me how strong my friends are. They're brilliant, intelligent, and a lot of them have it more difficult in life than I do.
I am, what they call a "basic white girl." Life is handed to me. Now, that's not to say I've had my share of challenges, but both my parents are alive, healthy, and happily married. My home isn't plagued by economic troubles, mental illness, or any drug issues. I'm white, and not facing much prejudice these days. My dog is young and lively, and I attend a nice school and participate in a lot of nice things. There's just not much that makes it hard for me to sleep at night. (I've got my own school work and friendship drama and occasional feelings to deal with, but that's high school, that's relationships, and that's how it is for anyone who ever leaves their house ever.)
So, that kind of sets the scene. I have a decent life. And it always hits me hard when someone mentions something going on in their life, something I haven't had to face yet, and hope I never have to. Here are some weird and difficult examples and how I survived them???...
I have anxiety. - I did my best to be mature and helpful, and understanding, but mental illnesses are complex as hell. Anxiety, depression, it's Russian roulette and only a licensed psychologist knows how to deal with this stuff. Just be there for those that are struggling with mental illness. That's a good step in the right direction.
My mom is in Arizona, and she won't be back until next year. Why, honey? She is getting treated for lyme disease. - This came from the mouth of a teary-eyed six year old. WHAT DO YOU SAY. WHAT DO YOU DO. SHES CRYING. SHIT HELP I CANNOT COMFORT HER LIKE HER MOM WOULD IVE KNOWN HER LESS THAN TWO DAYS BUT SHES HOMESICK AND HER MOM WONT BE THERE WHEN SHE GOES HOME??? HOW SERIOUS IS LYME DISEASE? WHAT DO I DOOOO. But I hugged her, and we sat in a quiet corner and I chatted her up about her favorite new movie. She wiped away her tears, and within an hour she was dancing and alive again, and I admired her resilience. A six year old.
I'm in love with her. - This guy was difficult because the feelings very clearly weren't reciprocated and he could not. let. go. Jeeeeez. Possibly one of the most difficult conversations I've had was trying to convince this dude that he will find someone just as wonderful, and that it will be okay. He was also depressed, and very adamantly shutting down any positive ideas that I suggested. He's managing now, and has lots of support, but it's really frustrating trying to help someone that throws a problem at you and then shuts down all your solutions.
These are just a couple moments where my stomach has dropped because I just have no experience with dealing with these issues. It's just more complicated than my life has gotten so far. But to people goin thru stuff - talk to someone, if it helps. Write your thoughts down if it helps. Ask for help, if you need it.
To people trying to be there for others when you can't begin to comprehend their problems - it's okay. Often, they just want to be heard. It helps.
Life hits you like a bus when you lease expect it sometimes, and you gotta talk about it with someone or you'll be in pieces on the sidewalk.
Claire
(600)
I am, what they call a "basic white girl." Life is handed to me. Now, that's not to say I've had my share of challenges, but both my parents are alive, healthy, and happily married. My home isn't plagued by economic troubles, mental illness, or any drug issues. I'm white, and not facing much prejudice these days. My dog is young and lively, and I attend a nice school and participate in a lot of nice things. There's just not much that makes it hard for me to sleep at night. (I've got my own school work and friendship drama and occasional feelings to deal with, but that's high school, that's relationships, and that's how it is for anyone who ever leaves their house ever.)
So, that kind of sets the scene. I have a decent life. And it always hits me hard when someone mentions something going on in their life, something I haven't had to face yet, and hope I never have to. Here are some weird and difficult examples and how I survived them???...
I have anxiety. - I did my best to be mature and helpful, and understanding, but mental illnesses are complex as hell. Anxiety, depression, it's Russian roulette and only a licensed psychologist knows how to deal with this stuff. Just be there for those that are struggling with mental illness. That's a good step in the right direction.
My mom is in Arizona, and she won't be back until next year. Why, honey? She is getting treated for lyme disease. - This came from the mouth of a teary-eyed six year old. WHAT DO YOU SAY. WHAT DO YOU DO. SHES CRYING. SHIT HELP I CANNOT COMFORT HER LIKE HER MOM WOULD IVE KNOWN HER LESS THAN TWO DAYS BUT SHES HOMESICK AND HER MOM WONT BE THERE WHEN SHE GOES HOME??? HOW SERIOUS IS LYME DISEASE? WHAT DO I DOOOO. But I hugged her, and we sat in a quiet corner and I chatted her up about her favorite new movie. She wiped away her tears, and within an hour she was dancing and alive again, and I admired her resilience. A six year old.
I'm in love with her. - This guy was difficult because the feelings very clearly weren't reciprocated and he could not. let. go. Jeeeeez. Possibly one of the most difficult conversations I've had was trying to convince this dude that he will find someone just as wonderful, and that it will be okay. He was also depressed, and very adamantly shutting down any positive ideas that I suggested. He's managing now, and has lots of support, but it's really frustrating trying to help someone that throws a problem at you and then shuts down all your solutions.
These are just a couple moments where my stomach has dropped because I just have no experience with dealing with these issues. It's just more complicated than my life has gotten so far. But to people goin thru stuff - talk to someone, if it helps. Write your thoughts down if it helps. Ask for help, if you need it.
To people trying to be there for others when you can't begin to comprehend their problems - it's okay. Often, they just want to be heard. It helps.
Life hits you like a bus when you lease expect it sometimes, and you gotta talk about it with someone or you'll be in pieces on the sidewalk.
Claire
(600)
A Double Standard of Sorts?
I lack patience. And when I'm talking to someone who I enjoy the company of, especially a boy I like, I appreciate those quick replies. It makes conversation feel less broken up. And I also strive to reply quickly. But then today, a friend of mine disappeared for eight hours. What the heck, we talk all the time, how dare you have a life outside of talking to me???? And yet the previous evening, I did the same thing, disappearing to binge watch Netflix and eat ice cream without snapchatting or messaging as much. I shouldn't complain, and yet I was still frustrated. But I know I'm not alone, I've seen plenty of whiny tweets or complaints from people about replying faster, and lord knows I favorite those tweets, because I feel that struggle too.
But sometimes, you gotta take a step back. If we all replied to each other instantly, we'd stop worrying about each other in real life, and all our communication would take place over our phones. If we don't vanish from the internet to meet up in real life every once in a while, what are we really doing? It shouldn't matter how long it takes for someone to reply to you in a text, an email, a snapchat, a DM, any of it. If you really value their time, and they value yours, if you both value the conversation being had, it doesn't matter when it stops. Because it will always start again. Even if you don't talk for a week. Two months. If one of your phones falls in a toilet, you'll email or make a better effort to get coffee weekly.
And when the conversation fizzles, it's okay. Not every person is your best friend, otherwise the term best would have no meaning anymore. Real best friends talk more over coffee or lunch than via snapchat anyway, who are we kidding. There's too many juicy things to share than you can fit in a snapchat caption, duh.
Now having written this, I will still await replies from people. It happens. But don't put too much pressure on a conversation, or a quick response. That's something our generation does, and it's just not necessary.
Stop waiting
Claire
(373)
But sometimes, you gotta take a step back. If we all replied to each other instantly, we'd stop worrying about each other in real life, and all our communication would take place over our phones. If we don't vanish from the internet to meet up in real life every once in a while, what are we really doing? It shouldn't matter how long it takes for someone to reply to you in a text, an email, a snapchat, a DM, any of it. If you really value their time, and they value yours, if you both value the conversation being had, it doesn't matter when it stops. Because it will always start again. Even if you don't talk for a week. Two months. If one of your phones falls in a toilet, you'll email or make a better effort to get coffee weekly.
And when the conversation fizzles, it's okay. Not every person is your best friend, otherwise the term best would have no meaning anymore. Real best friends talk more over coffee or lunch than via snapchat anyway, who are we kidding. There's too many juicy things to share than you can fit in a snapchat caption, duh.
Now having written this, I will still await replies from people. It happens. But don't put too much pressure on a conversation, or a quick response. That's something our generation does, and it's just not necessary.
Stop waiting
Claire
(373)
March 31, 2016
Shady Business
A while ago, there was a post circulating around on twitter and I have some things to say, some things to get out there.
"Like this picture and I will DM you a name. You will come back to this picture and write what you think about that person in the comment. (THE TRUTH) But you will not mention their name. So the only person who knows who you are talking about is you and me"
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.)
So a few people I follow posted it. Got a bunch of favorites. But if you read through alllll the replied comments, the shady things people had to say about each other, many of them were negative. A lot of them started with a compliment or something nice, but completely insulted whoever it was at the end. "intimidating," "rubs me the wrong way," "big heart but a big head." They're all subtle, but shady as hell. Some are outright insults, too. "Total fuckboy." "kind of a bitch." You scroll through them and wonder who it is. Is it you? Your friend? A teacher? The girl sitting next to you in your third hour? Should you tell someone? Do something? Based on the terrible hunch that someone is being hurt, even though the words never reach their ears?
The concept is... juicy. Sure. And I know I'm guilty. I vent. I talk shit with no intention of my words ever reaching other people. But NO NO NO. You can't post that stuff out there for people to see and get paranoid about. Same thing goes for that After School app that was going around for a while. I downloaded it for a bit, it seemed mostly positive, but I think people got tired of it.
I'm rambling. I'll stop.
The first step to creating the #KinderKennedy that we had a full school assembly about just days before these Twitter threads surfaced, is to not throw shade and insult each other on Twitter. Honesty is great. We could all be more honest. But we could also always be more kind. And there's a balance there. If what you have to say isn't kind, or true, don't say it.
Gossip is some dangerous shit. It's tempting. It's dangerous. And it hurts.
Let's not do this ever again, okay Twitter? Okay.
Claire
(388)
"Like this picture and I will DM you a name. You will come back to this picture and write what you think about that person in the comment. (THE TRUTH) But you will not mention their name. So the only person who knows who you are talking about is you and me"
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.)
So a few people I follow posted it. Got a bunch of favorites. But if you read through alllll the replied comments, the shady things people had to say about each other, many of them were negative. A lot of them started with a compliment or something nice, but completely insulted whoever it was at the end. "intimidating," "rubs me the wrong way," "big heart but a big head." They're all subtle, but shady as hell. Some are outright insults, too. "Total fuckboy." "kind of a bitch." You scroll through them and wonder who it is. Is it you? Your friend? A teacher? The girl sitting next to you in your third hour? Should you tell someone? Do something? Based on the terrible hunch that someone is being hurt, even though the words never reach their ears?
The concept is... juicy. Sure. And I know I'm guilty. I vent. I talk shit with no intention of my words ever reaching other people. But NO NO NO. You can't post that stuff out there for people to see and get paranoid about. Same thing goes for that After School app that was going around for a while. I downloaded it for a bit, it seemed mostly positive, but I think people got tired of it.
I'm rambling. I'll stop.
The first step to creating the #KinderKennedy that we had a full school assembly about just days before these Twitter threads surfaced, is to not throw shade and insult each other on Twitter. Honesty is great. We could all be more honest. But we could also always be more kind. And there's a balance there. If what you have to say isn't kind, or true, don't say it.
Gossip is some dangerous shit. It's tempting. It's dangerous. And it hurts.
Let's not do this ever again, okay Twitter? Okay.
Claire
(388)
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